Be satisfied of yourslef. Let them hate you. You will soon find your place. Speak only before to those who will listen.

Having more friends means less time to know the true person each one possess

Love your friends and live with what you hate about them. Never ever change them. Change will come out of their own accord, once respect and love has been fully realized. Be proud of them and make them rise above from other people around you. I guess its true, life is complete when you find those special friends.

"He might be still thinking about it, his heart filled with anger and spite, and porbably, jealousy. The mere act of not fighting back made my night so easy to sleep to. At least I don't have to work so hard to conjure scenarios of triumphs in my head"

ito na new years resolution ko! actually sermon to ng isang pari pero sobrang ok siya.

1. Clear your heart of all the hatred

2. Clear your heart of all worries

3. Expect less of your family members

4. Live simply

5. Give more

(simple but practical :) try niyo rin!)

I am too unsatisfied. I get too jealous of so many things. Maybe I should stop dreaming my own self, and start discovering who I am. The same goes to other people who I want to be someone that are different from who they really are. I have to learn the art of satisfaction.

I have been thinking a lot lately. On regard to what job I will have when the future comes, on regards to my identity growing up. Growing up, I already made up my mind that I will be a doctor, a decision based more on salary really than what I really want to do. This decision developed more on unstable and impractical reasons of choice. So this past 2 months, I was further inspired by life dedicated to media and art. An this worried my parents that there dream of me becoming a doctor wasnt gonna come true. I wanted to be an advertiser, and live a lifstyle like those in Makati city. I am pretty confident it will work for me though. I mean I do have the talents for it, heck i amm creative enough. Sure, it will be tough and a pretty unstable lifestyle, but I am willing to take a risk. But now, I think I am subconciously in it for the wrong reasons (again). Maybe I want to be like the people in Tv. I recently came to the idea that maybe there wasnt really a fork road to hesitate on. I think I got driven by jealousy. I wanted to be like those "cool" people, that I forgot all the things I learned, like my purpose in life. And that pupose, I know is about being a person for others.

Come to think about it, at the end of both journeys, I know where I am really going to be happy with. And I remembered that life is really not to be lived on earth. There is a better place waiting for us. So it only came to me now, that there really was no crossroad. I was only making crossroads for my own selfish reasons, reasons of identity perhaps. But I think when coming to a big decision like this one, you have to think of the greater good, not necessarily majority of it is your own good.

"A wise Philosopher once said that you can't choose the family you're born with. But I think family is just a starting point in our lives. They clothe us, feed us, take care of us, until we are ready to go out in the real world and find our drive."

-"ending quote in Grey's anatomy"

Yesterday was my cousins's wedding, at the same time REMING was threatening the day with its violent winds. Ang galing nga eh, kasi parang lahat ng prayers nila ate narinig. The storms shifted and naging signal number 2 na lang, na ineexpect na 4. At di pa umulan! Another thing is, the original plan was to hold it on December 1, na isang working day. The wedding was to be held on an afternoon. Tapos nabalitaan na holiday na lang ang one! Di pa ba miracle yun??

Basta I know na these things arent just coincidence. I know na intervention ito ni God. I guess talagang they deserve to be each other and may plan si God para sa kanila. They are already 26 pataas (sorry di ako sure) and they have stable jobs. At Im 100% sure na they have good souls.

Last night was a blast. I can see na talagang happy sila. Ang weird nga eh, kasi I really havent accepted na adult na si Ate. I was still conseidering her to be part of us "kids" (na normal social system sa amin) and not really a member of the adult click.

I can only imagine how Uncle and Auntie must've felt. Talagang hinohold nila emotions nila sobra. Its really hard to let go of someone. I respect them both, who tried to make the day sa happy as possible, to put on a smilih face, kahit umiiyak na sila sa loob. If they are like these sa panganay nilang babae, paano pa kaya kay Tricia na bunso? haha.. They said na "no touch" kay Tricia. haha totally understandable.

I can see it na. The new generation will soon come, and imbis na nakikiparty lang kami sa tradition of Christmas parties, kami na naghohold. Tapos all atention will be on the babies and little kiddies. i just hope our bonds will remain strong through the times, and I will make sure that that will happen. Sana our traditions will still exist even if our hairs grow white. At Im hoping na sana nga.

P.S. Me and my brother spent most of the night thinking how our wedding will go. ang gay no??? haha:)

Normally, pag Christmas ako yung tipong super excited.. Ako yung nagtatayo ng mga decorations na kaekekan sa house namin. Ala ako na rin pala consultant. Ano theme, ano kulay, ganyan ganyan. At lalo pa ko excited sa mga regalo! Haha ako yung tipong sumsilip ng mga possible hiding place ng gifts... haha sorry na lang sa family ko.

But now, as Christmas is 24 days away, i dont feel that spark anymore inside me. The excitement is gone. Para bang normal na lang. I dont have a definite explanation talaga pero siguro on account of me being grown up. AAhh!! Na mimiss ko na nga yung mga days na yun. Guessing for hours how Santa sneaks the gifts into the house, nag papatrol ako at baka makita ko siya... haha... Pero now I feel like my parents. As if Christmas is nothing but normal. Nawala na yung times na Christmas for me is hot chocolate season, comforter season, barbecuehan season, na feeling ko winter sa amin..

Well, maybe madami lang akong nasa isip ngayon. School stuff tapos social life ko pa and mga problems na ineentail nun. But hopefully CHristmas will come back to me, at sana di maging kagaya last year na total disaster.

Labels: Christmas

Labels: Art

Today, I realized that I have this blinding mentality in me that I never really considered its concrete existence inside my head. This mentality is all about making me unconciously think that I will rise better in certain fields that are compatible to my interests. It just feels so comforting to think that I will outbeat others because I have a winning and original perception of the executions of my actions. Truly, I think of myself as a better hand in a monotonous and conforming and unoriginal society.

But today I saw some potential in some my classmates. Potential that I know is natural and something that I cannot easily achieve. It was really surprising. They just did things that was so impressive. Siyempre, that definitely changed my impression on them. Pero sa tingin ko, There are just some things inside them that are begging to come out, but na susupress kasi of this jealous and judgemental society. Or maybe naman wala silang outlet for it, kaya nasasayang. Pero what I saw today was amazing talaga. Para bang napahiya ako, medyo inferior ako sa talents nila. Basta yun.

I just love this painting... Napaka dark and deep... Ang galing nga eh kasi kahit taliwas sa normal dictations of beauty yung face ng babae, ang ganda pa rin nila (in terms of ung unibrow and bigote)

Labels: Art

• Akward
• Irritated
• Rebel
• Funny
• Vain
• Formal
• Snobby
• Anti-social
• Naive
• Smart
  

Labels: exceprt from my journal

Here is somthing I found rummaging through my stuff. Its a poem I did back when I was in first year. I dont really know what I was subconciously thinking when I wrote this. My mom said it was a really sad poem. I think I remember being inspired by Edgar Allan Poe's "the Raven". Its quite long, I think the longest poem I did. Hope you like it.





It was in autumn, while I fancy to stroll
me myself answer to my singly whim
Crackled and click the leaves of silent fall
Under the heart and sun of dim
Here I carry the burden of my wings bore
Free no more to shower its pride
Shattered by words those bemoan and deplore
Damages more than blades abide
Clicked and crackled more I heard and hear
Hushed myself by its flamboyant whisper
There i sit alone with the man silenced by his mood
No more might be never he had spoke nor stood



Here I sit with the man under his hood
When it dawned on me he might be God's unblessed
Deprived of money and dignity, damaged by an interlude
his life lost, near the time when death shall undress
I uttered words that he seemed to abhor
by his silence neither to reflect nor ponder
but his unuttered words like the noon's sleeping shore
shore of everlasting steepness, no foot has to wander
"A wall has slithered between you and me
It has befallen and has cleaved my heart
Speak to me or now I shal flee
Never will you see me, for before the setting I shall part"
Then much I aghast, as the winds whisper
for the hood no more, denied the secret he never has to utter

Much I marveled, the face no words can say
For silence left in him, for silence let words unable to soar
For no mouth, no ears, no eyes to see the day
the absence blessing be or curse adore
There sit the lonely beggar
sitting beside a clear jar
Marveled, I saw beauty more eminent than an aristocratic par
a butterfly, all the colors in the world, inside and never can go far
Then me, myself gave a shudder
what is this beauty in his life
untouched, unseen, but seem more than a lover
of the man who lost more than a wife
Thus conclusions bring forth, of these invisible tears
to give what I got, my nose, my eyes and my ears

"Why not, oh forsaken, you shall have my ears,
for ears I was cursed, still cocoons it clad
And what it delivers are these silent tears
never to bring back the family I had"
"Why not, oh forlorn, your blindness flee,
for my eyes I will give you,
For all it showed me is vagrancy of inner beauty
rarely the light of the forgotten few..."
"Why not oh lonely man, to utter those words
words you are dying to say
For now you can sing like the birds
for my mouth is yours, forever and today"
All then I lay on his withered hands, smiling without a face
For he has now reached the end of the lonely life's perpetual lace

Darkness now, all I can see
Darkness now I live
Silent now all I can be
Silent now, darkness I give
Never again will I see the light
for I have put my failed plans in the vial
Oh, love of my life, now I cannot hear your hateness fake
for eyes, mouth, ears' existence left not a clue
For suffering I given up, suffering I can't take
and darkness, forever more, never to see you
This must be the lonely man, who now has suffered no more
Like me whose sufferings, oh gracious, oh darling, its end I implore

now all I got is this beautiful butterfly, never will be free
For in this jar, all it can ever be..